stupid boy
ranting about yourself
looking for company who looks up to you

she puts magic shades on for me
my world is yellow and brown
everybody became so beautiful
i’m following her glittery trail of genius

her heart is aurora
her intuition is tangerine

she got me swimming in dreams

(warning: content of entry is fairly egocentric. let me rephrase that - COMPLETELY egocentric)

How long has it been since i wrote in here? Now that the holidays have begun, and I’ve started to mind my Fs account, I’ve decided to import all the notes I’ve posted in facebook. All the jolly good ones or the morose ones. Haha.

See, we were recently called for an interview, those elligible to continue to Part II. So about ten listed had to listen to En. Man giving a sort of pep talk, (or what ever you may want to call it) before being asked to wait till one by one is called into the lecture room. As I waited in the library, feverishly swallowing whatever I can for Planning Studies (last paper signifying end of Part I, I hope), I gulped and gulped, at the thought of impending doom. What were they going to ask me about? Are they going to pinalyze (how to spell, ah?) me for ..er.. anything at all?

At long last my turn came. And I entered a room with a silly smile etched on my face: nervousness always does that to me. Well, so yeah, they started off with some boring questions like “Are you really cut out for Fourth Year?” or, ” What are your strength” and “What do you think you want to improve?” to which I answered dully - and well usually they just cut me short cause my sentences just trail off embarassingly..

And then. Pn. Ati started to talk about my weight. And En. Man and Prof. basically took it from there,……………………… and the interview session really ended at that very topic…. about my weight? and how it’s really dropping from year to year? Not to mention En. Man’s surprise when he got hold of the copy of my ID card and student card - which had a picture of me about three years back. So, these were some of the funniest things they had to say to me… about my weight????

“Nuriana kenapa you kurus sangat, risau I,.. last semester she wasn’t like this, you know”

“Boleh ke handle fourth year, kecik sgt?”

“Kene tiup angin nanti terbang” (which was the most unflattering one yet)

“Macam mana nak kawan dgn mat salleh2 next semester, diorg besar taw, macam Prof. ?”

And sometimes they started discussing with themselves, like

“Maybe kena ambik supplement kot, macam anak you kot…”

And then back to me again, like

“YOu aneroxic ke?”

“HA! tak lah!”

“Aiii, jgn cakap, orang aneroxic tak sedar dia sakit,… makan and muntah balik”

(Never in my life had I threw food up after meals, honest! all the precious fishies, chickies and beefies,.. or prawnies? sushies?)

“Cuti ni you must put on weight..”

“Tu la risau I tengok you ni..”

and it went on for like…. I dunno but Nad said the session went for quite sometime before it was her turn. So my weight must’ve been an issue… It was a surprise to find out how much problem people had with my size. I’m fine, I really am. Would being tiny represent weakness ? I was so emotional I had that permanent confused and surprised look all evening. sigh…

Which is why, despite Miss Naziaty’s job offers, I had to resist.. for.. I am on a mission to put on weight. OK,.. let me check if it’s really working.. Absolutely not. Sigh. I guess three years of sleepless nights have finally caught up to me. Architecture might be taking its toll on me. Some have said that it’ll be the death of you. Hm.. come to think of it again..

1. Premature hair loss - maggi at midnights and years of researches and brain racking

2. Inexplicable fatigue despite being fine fine fine

3. Gradual - no scratch that - rapid loss of appetite

4. That haunting mind set “you can’t afford to fall sick, work needs to be done”

I do need a holiday, don’t I? Would there be a different way of going through the next four semester (If offered, of course, yikes, the nerves!). What do I do. Wait I DO know, it’s all obvious, but how? ARRGH..

well, you must know that I’m finally writing in here instead of in fb cause the chance of anyone reading this is thinner. It’s a really embarassing entry but writing it in diaries might find me dozing off midway. No kidding. Oh I do need some fixing up. Maybe I should send myself to the mechanic for overhaulin’?

So.. there.

Tulang bercakap - fuh.. *photo by sucymurniati (sucy!)

what i want to remember having thought of in five years’ time:

* if i rule the world i’d rule it with cruelty. as cold as hitler. as attention seeking as bush. as flabby as idi.

* everyone is a racist here

* prejudice or reaction?

* let’s all go back to where we belong; we don’t deserve this land. (what the hell?)

everybody wants to be the victim
in movies victims become heroes
the leading role

what happens to the cowards
to the evil doers
to the step mothers
to traitors
to backstabbers
to the tyrants all over the world
to peter pettigrew

for many months now and what have you been?

a yesman
an asswipe
a cult follower
that chants loudly to convince yourself
that it’s all for a better future

there’s bound to be a leak one day
consequence that catches on
out of excessive optimism
that is by no means practical

for

you believe in your superiors
more than you believe in Allah
a sin so massive you can
taste the evil in your thoughts

tonight you will face the music
unless you are truly sorry